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2nd August 2016

Do and Dont’s for Early Recovery

Do’s and Don’ts: Early Recovery

DO – Ask for help from people you trust

In Early Recovery this is probably the single most important piece of advice for someone who continues to struggle with drug or alcohol addiction. The reason such a person is struggling is because they are dealing with a problem all by themselves, and they are constantly battling with the fact that they cannot overcome their problem alone. Many of us are very stubborn and believe that we can figure out such a problem by ourselves, but addiction proves to be too much for many of us.

This does not mean that you are stupid….what it means is that you are a true addict or alcoholic. There is a big difference, and one that most “normies” may never fully grasp. It is easier for a normie to believe that addiction is a produce of either mental weakness or moral failings. In my opinion (being an addict myself) it is neither of those things.

Is alcoholism and addiction about lack of information, or is it a moral issue? One thing that should make you raise an eyebrow towards traditional recovery is this interesting double standard: They say that you are not a bad person if you are an addict or alcoholic, but that you are, in fact, a sick person. So they argue that having the disease of addiction is NOT a moral failing. But then if you look at the traditional recovery steps, they specifically address fixing moral defects of character as a means to treat the addiction. This is an interesting turnabout that I have never quite been able to fully grasp and understand. On the one hand it is a disease and not a moral failing, but on the other hand the 12 steps seek to treat the problem by fixing moral defects of character. Can anyone clarify how this is not some form of confusing doublespeak? It’s not a moral failing, but here…fix it by working on your moral character!

So in my experience addiction and alcoholism are not moral problems, and they are not the result of stupidity either. Instead, it is a physical “allergy” that leads to a pattern and a cycle that traps the addict or alcoholic.

As such, the person needs new information in order to escape from this trap. They cannot do this under their own power unless they learn new information that can teach them how to live successfully without self medicating all the time.

This is what should fuel early recovery then: the need for new information. The struggling addict needs to learn something if they are going to significantly change their manner of living. Therefore early recovery is a huge learning experience.

This is what makes this first “do” so important. You are not going to learn anything by having stuffed rammed down your throat against your will or being preached at. You have to want to learn something if you are truly going to experience something new.

And therefore you must ask for new knowledge. You have to ask for help. This is a critical component of early recovery. If you are not asking for help, if you are not seeking new knowledge about how to live without drugs and alcohol, then you are probably not ready to be clean and sober yet.

Early recovery is really about willingness. Your success in the first year of your recovery can be measured based on your level of willingness at the beginning of your journey.

If you are not in a place where you are willing to ask for help then early recovery is going to be a very rocky experience. Most people who try to get clean and sober without any outside help end up relapsing. This is indeed what defines their addiction. If they can do it on their own then they do not even label themselves as an “addict” or an “alcoholic.”

DO – Follow through on advice and suggestions you receive

After you ask for help, what happens next? Obviously you have to do something with the new information that you receive.

For many people, this will play out as a trip to rehab or treatment of some sort. This is perfectly acceptable and is probably the best course of action for most people in early recovery. There are many benefits to going to inpatient treatment. Certainly you could do worse than ending up in a short term treatment facility.

What happens to most people in early recovery who have taken that first step in asking for help is this: They take a few tentative steps towards real change, then they get scared and pull back, sabotaging their recovery effort. This is why they say that you have to let go “absolutely.” People who fail to let go of everything are still hanging on to some need for control. This is a fear based reaction and it is perfectly understandable.

Just checking into an inpatient rehab can be a very scary experience. I don’t blame anyone for backing out of such a deal. It is scary to turn your will and your life over to others. It is scary to check into treatment and be at the mercy of random strangers. This goes against many of our basic survival instincts, to surrender and back off and allow others to dictate our actions for us. In many respects, going to treatment can be a lot like voluntarily walking into prison and putting your hands out to be chained in handcuffs. It takes a lot of guts to reach this level of surrender.

Willingness is one thing, but taking action is another thing entirely. Having the willingness implies that you are willing to take action.

If you were to interview several recovering addicts and alcoholics who have just made it through their first year of recovery without relapse, you could ask them to take a look back at that first year and tell you how much of the solution was “taking action.”

I am sure if you did this then people would emphatically tell you that it was ALL about taking action. They would say that they really dove into recovery, that they took all sorts of action in their life, and that the people who failed to take action were the ones who relapsed. This is just how it goes. Do nothing (or very little) and you will quickly revert to your old using or drinking behaviors. Relapse comes to those who do nothing.

Early Recovery is all about change. When you first get clean and sober your natural reaction to life in general is to use drugs or alcohol. Period. Your solution for everything is to self medicate. This is your baseline for existence when you first get into recovery.

This has to change. The only way it is going to change is if you ask for help and then take action. Because your whole life is dominated by addiction, you are going to have to take LOTS of action. Just changing one little thing is not going to do it. You have to change “everything.” Again, if you interview successful people in recovery they will emphatically state that this is true, you really do have to change everything. To say that this requires action and follow-through is an understatement. You are going to have to push harder than you have ever pushed before in your life. You are going to have to make a supreme effort.

Thus, action and follow through are extremely important to your success. Anyone can say “I want to quit drugs or alcohol” but very few will actually put in the massive work required and get it done. You can be one of those people if you choose to take massive action and put forth a serious effort.

DO – Dedicate your life to recovery

This “do” is really about the level of action, willingness, and follow through that you commit to taking in recovery.

Essentially what you will want to do is to dedicate your entire life to recovery. This should happen for at least the first year or two.

Most people who first dabble with the idea of getting clean and sober do not come anywhere near this level of dedication and commitment. They suffer from a problem that I like to call “compartmentalizing their recovery.”

What this means is that the person is trying to pick and choose how they recover, when they recover, and by what methods they recover. They are trying to say “OK, I can go to an AA meeting here and there, but I certainly can’t live in treatment or do this sponsorship stuff or attend meetings every day for months on end!”

Or they may say “sure, I can quit drinking or using drugs….but there is no way I am going to an inpatient facility in order to do so!”

Or they may simply try to recover from their addiction without disrupting any other part of their life. They try to compartmentalize their recovery and put it in this neat little box, such that it does not affect any other part of their life. They want everything else to continue on as normal, without their recovery having much impact on the other parts of their life.

This is never going to work. This cannot ever possibly work for anyone. You cannot compartmentalize your recovery from addiction. It’s not possible. People who try to do so have not fully grasped just how deeply their addiction infiltrates every part of their life.

There is a reason that they say that “you have to change everything.” They say this because it is really true. If you successfully go through a year or two of recovery, you will look back on it one day and agree with the statement that “yes, everything is really different in your life, everything changed, you had to let go of everything in order to recover.”

People who hang on to a little piece of their old life are only sabotaging their efforts. They have reservations. They cannot let go absolutely.

In order to succeed in early recovery you must let go of everything. You must become willing to change everything.

In order to do this you need to be willing.

Then you need to ask for help.

Then you need to follow through on the advice and suggestions you receive.

And finally you need to dedicate your entire life to learning a new way of life. If you have to slap a time limit on it then give yourself a year. Tell yourself “for one year, I will dedicate my entire life to recovery, to not using drugs or alcohol, and to learning a new way to live so that I can be happy while being clean and sober.”

If you watch people in recovery who end up relapsing, you will notice that they have not done this. They have not dedicated their entire life to recovery. They are stuck trying to compartmentalize their recovery. In a way, they are still trying to have their cake and eat it too. They are trying to hold on to control of certain things while only hoping to let go of other things. You cannot succeed this way. You have to let go of everything (need to control) absolutely. Let go of it all. Surrender fully and completely to your addiction. This is the only way to truly succeed in recovery. You must dedicate your entire life to sobriety, to recovery, to a new way of living.

DON’T – Rely on meetings or therapy alone to keep you sober

Now for some “don’ts.”

My first recommendation can be slightly controversial, because most people in traditional recovery harp on the idea that “meeting makers make it.” Going to daily AA meetings is typically seen as a lifeline to strong recovery. Why would anyone argue against those helpful meetings?

Really I am not arguing against the meetings, I am just putting in a word of caution here.

What I am suggesting is that you do not RELY on the meetings for your continued success in recovery.

You can test this yourself without risking relapse. Simply cut back from your meetings, and see how you feel. If you go to AA every single day, try skipping a day here and there and see if it affects you. Some people find that it changes their attitude and their outlook when they miss a meeting. I used to experience this myself in early recovery, and I could notice it when it happened.

So what changed? I forced myself to solve this particular problem. Why was I dependent on the meetings in order to have a good attitude and feel confident in my recovery? I did not like this after I discovered it and realized that I had just created another dependency (much healthier than a drug or alcohol dependency, but a dependency nonetheless).

What changed for me is that I started to realize that I was complacent in going to daily meetings. I was using them incorrectly. I was using daily AA meetings as a form of ongoing therapy. This is not their intended purpose, believe it or not. But this is largely what daily AA meetings have become for most people.

I vowed to stop using the meetings this way and to stop relying on them as a daily therapy session. In order to do this I started to seek other outlets, other forms of personal growth, and other ways to feel good about my recovery that did not involve “the program.”

What I discovered is that recovery is really nothing more than a continuous cycle of personal growth–a constant reinvention of the self. People could achieve this state of growth both in and out of programs like AA. I also discovered that people could achieve this cycle of personal growth by being in alternative programs, religious based programs, or in no program at all. The key was in the personal growth, not in the specific program of recovery.

So by all means, you (or anyone else) can keep going to AA meetings every day, and I would encourage you to do so if you get value out of them. But do not rely on those meetings in order to sustain your recovery. If you do then this only points to a glaring weakness in your own recovery process. Personal growth outside of AA meetings should be enough to sustain your recovery. If it is not then your dependency is making you weaker, not stronger.

On the other hand, if you can find successful recovery via personal growth without depending on AA, then you can still attend AA meetings and have something much more powerful and meaningful to contribute to them. You can become a message of hope and strength in a venue where most people are dependent on the group therapy aspect to sustain their sobriety, and you will be coming instead from a place of greater strength.

DON’T – Expect early recovery to be easy

Again, this is just underestimating your disease and the recovery process itself. Nearly everyone does this at first, and usually a relapse or two is necessary in order to realize just how powerful the addiction truly is.

This speaks to the level of dedication and commitment that is required. Think back to the greatest challenge of your life so far, and what the toughest thing is that you have ever accomplished. Now realize that overcoming your addiction is probably going to be a full step harder than anything else ever has been for you. This is the struggle of your life and if you want to succeed then you have to realize that this is going to be a very difficult journey.

I don’t like it when people throw around “doom and gloom statistics” in recovery but the fact is that those lousy success rates are basically true. The odds are heavily stacked against the individual in recovery, and most people do not make it to 1, 5, 10 years sober. But obviously many people DO make it in recovery and you can certainly be one of them. You just have to decide and commit to doing so. But realize that you must decide and commit with a level of intensity that is far beyond anything you have ever done before in your life. This is it. Nothing in your past could have possibly prepared you for a challenge of this magnitude, so you would be wise to realize this and adjust accordingly. Don’t make a lazy or half hearted effort and expect to be successful.

DON’T – Set yourself up for future complacency

I mentioned the trap of AA meetings and a possibly dependency there. In addition to this, anyone who is practicing “acceptance” more than they are challenging themselves to grow is also headed for trouble.

Complacency is the trap of laziness. It is a path that says “we are OK now, we are stable in recovery, no need to seek out any more learning or growth experiences.”

Don’t allow yourself to fall into this trap. The way to prevent this is to embrace the cycle of personal growth. Realize that you are always going to be learning new things, and stay open to new growth opportunities. There is a proper “pace” in recovery where you are always looking ahead to that next challenge, and at the same time you are not burning yourself out either. Find that pace. In finding it you will also realize that there is a time for acceptance and reflection in your life. But even after you reach a goal in your life, you should still be looking ahead to your next big project. Thus you can always be learning, always be willing to change and to grow. This is the path of success in recovery.

sourced from Spiritual River

15th July 2016

Relapse and what to look out for

Relapse can and does happen.

Relapse is more than just using alcohol or drugs.  It is the progressive process of becoming so dysfunctional in recovery that self-medication with alcohol or drugs seems like a reasonable choice.

The relapse process is a lot like knocking over a line of dominoes. The first domino hits the second, which hits the third, and soon a progressive chain reaction has started. The sequence of problems that lead from stable sobriety to relapse is similar to those dominoes. There are two differences. First, each domino in the line (i.e. each problem that brings us closer to substance use) gets a little bit bigger and heavier until the last domino in the sequence is ten feet tall, four feet wide, and a foot thick. As this 10,000-pound domino begins to fall on us, it is too heavy for us to handle alone. The second difference is that the dominoes circle around behind us. So when the last domino falls, it hits us from behind when we’re not looking.

So here we are, moving along in recovery. We tip over one small domino. No big deal! That domino hits the next, and then the next. A chain reaction gets started. The first dominoes are so small that we can easily convince ourselves that it’s no big deal. We look the other way and start doing other things. All of a sudden a huge domino falls on us from behind, crushing us to the floor, causing serious pain and injury in the process. We need to make the pain go away and we reach for old reliable – the magical substances that always helped us without pain in the past. We’ve now started drinking and drugging.

The answer to avoiding relapse is not to take up weight training so you will be strong enough to lift that last domino off of your now crippled body. Part of the answer is to learn how not to tip over the first domino. Another part of the answer is to develop an emergency plan for stopping the chain reaction quickly before the dominoes start getting so big and heavy that they become unmanageable.

The Relapse Process

The progression of problems that lead to relapse is called the relapse process. Each individual problem in the sequence is called a relapse warning sign. The entire sequence of problems is called a relapse warning sign list. The situations that we put ourselves in that cause or complicate the problems are caused high risk situations.

It’s important to remember that we don’t start drinking and drugging because of the last problem in the sequence. We start drinking and drugging because the entire sequence of problems got out of control. Let’s look at the steps of this process in more detail.

Step 1: Getting Stuck In Recovery

Many of us decide that alcohol or drugs is a problem, stop using, and put together some kind of a recovery plan to help us stay sober. Initially we do fine. At some point, however, we hit a problem that we are unwilling or unable to deal with. We stop dead in our tracks. We are stuck in recovery and don’t know what to do.

Step 2: Denying That We’re Stuck

Instead of recognizing that we’re stuck and asking for help, we use denial to convince ourselves that everything is OK. Denial makes it seem like the problem is gone, but it really isn’t. The problem is still there. It just goes under ground where we can’t see it. At some level we know that the problem is there, but we keep investing time and energy in denying it. This results in a build-up of pain and stress.

Step 3: Using Other Compulsions

To cope with this pain and stress, we begin to use other compulsive behaviors. We can start overworking, over-eating, dieting, or over-exercising. We can get involved in addictive relationships and distract ourselves by trying to experience the orgasm that shook New York City. These behaviors make us feel good in the short run by distracting us from our problems. But since they do nothing to solve the problem, the stress and pain come back. We feel good now, but we hurt the latter. This is a hallmark of all addictive behaviors.

Step 4: Experiencing A Trigger Event

Then something happens. It’s usually not a big thing. It’s something we could normally handle without getting upset. But this time something snaps inside. One person described it this way: “It feels like a trigger fires off in my gut and I go out of control.”

Step 5: Becoming Dysfunctional On The Inside: 

When the trigger goes off, our stress jumps up, and our emotions take control of of our minds. To stay sober we have to keep intellect over emotion. We have to remember who we are (an addicted person), what we can’t do (use alcohol or drugs), and what we must do (stayed focused upon working a recovery program). When emotion gets control of the intellect we abandon everything we know, and start trying to feel good now at all costs.

Relapse almost always grows from the inside out. The trigger event makes our pain so severe that we can’t function normally. We have difficulty thinking clearly. We swing between emotional overreaction and emotional numbness. We can’t remember things. It’s impossible to sleep restfully and we get clumsy and start having accidents.

Step 6: Becoming Dysfunctional On The Outside: 

At first this internal dysfunction comes and goes. It’s annoying, but it’s not a real problem so we learn how to ignore it. On some level, we know something is wrong so we keep it a secret. Eventually we get so bad that the problems on the inside create problems on the outside. We start making mistakes at work, creating problems with our friends, families, and co-workers. We start neglecting our recovery programs. And things keep getting worse.

Step 7: Losing Control: 

We handle each problem as it comes along but look at the the growing pattern of problems. We never really solve anything, we just put band-aids on the deep gushing cuts, put first-aid cream on seriously infected wounds, and tell ourselves the problem is solved. Then we look the other way and try to forget about the problems by getting involved in compulsive activities that will somehow magically fix us.

This approach works for awhile, but eventually things start getting out of control. As soon as we solve one problem, two new ones pop up to replace it. Life becomes one problem after another in an apparently endless sequence of crisis. One person put it like this: “I feel like I’m standing chest deep in a swimming pool trying to hold three beach balls underwater at once. I get the first one down, then the second, but as I reach for the third, the first one pops back up again.”

We finally recognize that we’re out of control. We get scared and angry. “I’m sober! I’m not drinking! I’m working a program! Yet I’m out of control. If this is what sobriety is like – who needs it?”

Step 8: Using Addictive Thinking

Now we go back to using addictive thinking. We begin thinking along these lines: ” Sobriety is bad for me, look at how miserable I am. Sober people don’t understand me. Look at how critical they are. Maybe things would get better if I could talk to some of my old friends. I don’t plan to drink or use drugs, I just want to get away from things for awhile and have a little fun. People who supported my drinking and drugging were my friends. They knew how to have a good time. These new people who want me to stay sober are my enemies. Maybe I was never addicted in the first place. Maybe my problems were caused by something else. I just need to get away from it all for awhile! Then I’ll be able to figure it all out.”

Step 9:  Going Back To Addictive People, Places, And Things

Now we start going back to addictive people (our old friends), addictive places (our old hangouts), and addictive things (mind polluting compulsive activities). We convince ourselves that we’re not going to drink or use drugs. We just want to relax.

A client in one of my groups said he wanted to go to a bar so he could listen to music and relax while drinking soft drinks. And old timer in the group asked: “If you told me you were going to a whore house to say prayers, do you think I’d believe you? Well, when you tell me you’re going to a bar to drink cokes I have about the same reaction!”

Step 10: Using Addictive Substances: 

Eventually, things get so bad that we come to believe that we only have three choices – collapse, suicide, or self-medication. We can collapse physically or emotionally from the stress of all our problems. We can end it all by committing suicide. Or we medicate the pain with alcohol or drugs. If these were your only three choices, which one sounds like the best way out?

At this stage the stress and pain is so bad that it seems reasonable to use alcohol or drugs as a medicine to make the pain go away. The 10,000 pound domino just struck the back of our head, breaking our bones, and crushing us to the ground. We’re dazed, hurt, and in tremendous pain. So we reach out for something, anything, that will kill the pain. We start using alcohol and drugs in the misguided hope it will make our pain go away.

Step 11: Losing Control Over Use

Once addicted people start using alcohol or drugs, they tend to follow one of two paths. Some have a short term and low consequence relapse. They recognize that they are in serious trouble, see that they are losing control, and manage to reach out for help and get back into recovery. Others start to use alcohol or drugs and feel such extreme shame and guilt that they refuse to seek help. They eventually develop progressive health and life problems and either get back into recovery, commit suicide, or die from medical complications, accidents, or drug-related violence.

Other Outcomes Of The Relapse Process

Some relapse prone people don’t drink. They may say “I’d rather be dead than drunk” and they either attempt or commit suicide. Others just hang in there until they have a stress collapse, develop a stress related illness, or have a nervous breakdown. Still others use half measures to temporarily pull themselves together for a little while only to have the problems come back later. This is called partial recovery and many people stay in it for years. They never get well, but they never get drunk either.

What I have just described is called the relapse process and it’s not rare. Most recovering people periodically experience some of these warning signs. About half can stop the process BEFORE they start using substances or collapse from stress. The other half revert to using alcohol or other drugs, collapse from stress related illness, or kill themselves.

It’s not a pretty picture. No wonder we don’t want to think or talk about relapse. It’s depressing. The problem is that refusing to think or talk about it doesn’t stop it from happening. As a matter of fact ignoring the early warning sing makes us more likely to relapse.

But there is hope. There is a method called Relapse Prevention that can teach us to recognize early warning signs of relapse and stop them before we use alcohol and drugs or collapse. That’s what my next article is about. There’s also a process called Relapse Early Intervention that helps us set up an emergency plan to stop relapse quickly should it occur. We’ll cover that in our third article.

References

Gorski, Terence T., Relapse – Relapse Prevention – A New Recovery Tool, Alcoholism & Addiction Magazine;; By Terence T. Gorski September 25, 1989

13th May 2016

Maintaining Recovery in early recovery

Identify And Mend Signs Of Trouble Down The Recovery Road

When you are driving or are on a road trip and you don’t fix the small leaks, rattles, and squeaks when they pop up, you’re going to find yourself broken down somewhere down the road. Remember that a tiny drip becomes a drop. A drop becomes a tiny puddle, and before you know it you’ll be spewing oil everywhere and wonder what the hell happened.
Catch the small problems in your recovery when they’re small. Don’t put things off. So, what can you do to keep up a healthy addiction recovery program? How to stay on track?

REMEMBER: Diagnose, Repair, Maintain.

All this is really pretty simple.

Sustaining Your Recovery: What TO DO

Within this article you will find a 10 point recovery checklist which will be your guide to keep your recovery running strong and out of the repair shop.

Would you leave for a cross country road trip without checking your fluids, tire pressure, and lights?

I didn’t think so.

Most guys put more time and energy into maintaining their vehicles than they do maintaining their lives. Don’t do this.
Do this instead…

9 Guidelines For Addiction Recovery Maintenance

1. Make sure you are being honest with yourself and others at all times. No exceptions.

If you are not willing to be honest with yourself, there is no way you’re going to be honest with anyone else. Lying to yourself and pretending that you’re okay when you are not will put you back in the repair shop quickly and you won’t see the breakdown coming until it’s too late.

Be honest, even if it upsets others. It is not your responsibility to determine how they will react to your honesty. It’s much easier to tell the truth the first time, man up and face your consequences than it is to back track wondering what you said to who and why you said it. Quit fooling yourself and JUST BE HONEST.

2. Regularly attend support groups to keep yourself fueled.

Thinking that you could drive from Cape Town to Johannesburg on one tank of petrol is a pipe dream. Unless you’ve got a 200 gallon gas tank, it ain’t gonna happen. You know those places that sell gas? They’re everywhere. They need to be everywhere, or no one would be going anywhere.

Cars, trucks, and motorcycles need fuel to run. They need to be filled up often to keep running, and so do you. Meetings and support groups are your fuel. Fail to stop for fuel often and you’re going to stall out and be stranded.

3. Fix problems while they are small.

Don’t be the guy that neglects an oil drip, cracked radiator hose, or bald tire. Remember that an oil drip ain’t going to fix itself. It will only get worse. Don’t think that duct taping your radiator hose is going to fix it. It won’t, and it will burst eventually. Replace the thing. A bald tire can be deadly if not changed immediately. Pull the wheel off and change the tire.

If you are encountering small problems in your recovery, remember the sequence: diagnose, repair, maintain. Legal problems? Man up and face em’. Relationship, money, health, or employment issues? FACE THEM. Fix what you can with what you have. Surrender the things you can’t fix to the Master Mechanic.

4. Wash, wax, inspect, and repeat.

Most guys will spend a load of money on their car, truck, or motorcycle. They will only buy premium fuel, synthetic oils, and brand name tires. That’s all fine and dandy, but these same guys won’t spend more than a few bucks on buying healthy food, a gym membership, or going to the doctor. Take care of your body. You’ve busted your butt to get sober, so why would you skimp on the vehicle that’s going to take you through life?

Take care of your health. Honor what God has given you. Get some exercise. Stop eating garbage. Quit smoking already. Get plenty of sleep. Learn to rest and relax. Would you put used oil and fouled out spark plugs in your prized possession? I didn’t think you would, so stop treating your body like it will run forever. It won’t. Take care of it and it will take care of you.

5. Stay on your own lane.

There is a passing lane, a driving lane, and a slow lane. If you are really trying your best to live a life based in recovery, you have no business being in the fast lane. None. The fast lane is for passing, not driving. There are always those jackasses that are constantly hurrying to get somewhere that will drive in the fast lane.

THAT SHOULD NOT BE YOU.

It’s okay to pass, but remember that recovery is a long-term deal. It is the most epic adventure you will ever embark on, so get used to going slow and pacing yourself. You’re not going to get to anywhere worth going by rushing. You are not Dale Earnhardt, Mario Andretti or Evil Knievel. Slow the hell down and enjoy the ride. Remember: God’s time, not yours. You will get there, but not by rushing.

6. Realize that you can’t fix everything. Some things will break and stay broken for a while, and that’s fine.

While it’s a really good idea to fix problems while they’re still small, some things are not for you to fix. You may not have the knowledge, the right tools, or be ready to tackle repairing certain parts of your life. Don’t stress. You need to learn how to change your own oil before you can even begin learning how to overhaul an engine, so don’t take on problems that are not yours to fix in the first place.

If you’re trying to rebuild your relationships, finances, health, or employment, remember that you need to learnmaintaining recovery how to manage what’s in front of you before you are given more to manage and repair. Why don’t they just let a kid drive when they turn 16? They can’t handle it. It would be a complete shit-show.

A kid learns to drive very slowly and deliberately in driver’s education with the instructor at the helm, ready to react if junior makes a dumb move. You are still learning to drive. Chill out and enjoy the process.

7. Follow the instructions at all times.

There are auto repair manuals for a reason. Don’t think you can do things your own way and be successful. You can’t. When it comes to maintaining your recovery, you’ve got to do what the pros do (people that have been in recovery longer than you): Listen, learn, apply, and repeat.

The “instructions” to living a healthy and balanced life in recovery can be found at various support meetings and in various books that are read in these support meetings. If you think you’re slick and can cut corners, go ahead…but you must be willing to deal with whatever consequences come your way for doing a half-hearted job.

ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT. DON’T BE A SUPERHERO.

8. Expect breakdowns and detours.

I don’t care how well you’ve maintained your vehicle…THINGS STILL BREAK. Things do not always work out how they are supposed to. Plans change. Potholes are everywhere. Roads are closed, tires go flat, and rocks get spit up by 18-wheelers and chip your paint. It’s not your job to control and micro-manage every step of your journey, nor is it your job to predict everything that might go wrong.

That’s impossible.

Only one mechanic is capable of such things, and that’s the Master Mechanic. If things go wrong – and they will go wrong – adapt, reset, repair, and get back on the road. If that road is closed, ask for directions.

9. Keep a maintenance checklist. Do this daily.

You need to do this. You’ve got to keep track of what’s running well in your life, what’s starting to run a little rich or lean, hot or cold, what’s leaking and what’s not, and keep track of those things. You will not know what’s wrong and what needs to be fixed or maintained if you skip this step. Just do it.

Daily recovery maintenance checklist:

  • Was I 100% honest today?
  • Did I do my best to live in the solution, or have I been living in the problem?
  • Did I make good use of my time today? Why or why not?
  • Was I grateful for what I already have?
  • Did I whine or complain about things I do not have? What is this doing for me?
  • Am I playing well with others?
  • Have I been getting regular exercise?
  • What kind of fuel have I been putting into my body?
  • Have I been working to improve myself today?
  • Am I keeping my surroundings neat and tidy?
  • Am I regularly checking my motives?
  • Am I getting enough rest?
  • Am I reading something difficult every day, just for practice?
  • Have I been financially responsible today?

-sourced from addictionblog

17th March 2016

Enabling

How To Stop Enabling Addiction?

No one who has a loved one with a substance abuse problem wants them to suffer. No one wants a person they care about to be in pain, to descend into the dysfunction of addiction, to lose their livelihood, their family, their life.

How many times have you heard someone say, “I would do anything to help them?”

We protect, we cover, we shelter, we defend and we do so in the name of loving and caring. The problem is that the very things we are doing to help someone, may be things that are enabling the addiction and keeping them from getting well. These may also be things that we are doing because it is more comfortable for us than dealing with the facts of the situation – and it we truly want someone to get well, sometimes we have to get worse first!

So, How Do You Know If You’re An Enabler?

How do you know if you are enabling someone’s substance abuse? We may engage in a lot of behaviors that we think are helpful, or that we are told are necessary but if you start to dig deeper into what that action is all about you find it perpetuating or masking the problem – not solving it!

3 Tips To Identifying Enabling

Here are three tips to help identify enabling behaviors and signs of an enabler. But take hope! You’ll also find alternatives to truly help improve the situation throughout the text!

1.  Interfering

It may seem like pouring out the alcohol, hiding the car keys, or throwing away the pills is the best way to keep your loved one from using. It will certainly force them to get more creative about where they keep their substance of choice and what lies they have to craft to hide their behavior. What is won’t do is cure them of their addiction, or convince them that what they are doing is wrong or harmful.

If their behavior is going to create a dangerous situation for you then you have to make the choice to keep yourself safe, interfering with how they engage in their addiction just provides opportunities for them to get smarter about how they use and you are teaching them how to be a better addict!

2.  Hiding And Lying

Do you cover up for your partner? Do you make excuses for their behavior? Are you doing this for you or for them? Maybe you tell yourself I have to cover for them at work otherwise they will lose their job, then we will lose our house, etc. But deep inside, the true motivation may be fear of change.

In reality, you are helping them hide their behavior for your convenience, and you are helping them carry-on without having to deal with the reality of the situation. Maybe you are going to have to move, maybe you are going to have to ask for help and tell people what is going on, maybe you won’t be able to stay with this person anymore. Those are all uncomfortable situations, and they are all consequences of being involved with an addict. You have to be willing to confront the reality of a situation for everyone involved in order to address whatever that situation is.

3.  Compensating For The Behavior

Money, food, computers, cars – do you give these to someone with a substance abuse problem? How many times do you give someone a computer because they have to have a computer to find a job, and they have to have a job to get sober, but they keep relapsing, selling the computer for drugs and staying in the cycle? How many times do you buy a new car for someone who keeps crashing under the influence? How much money do you give knowing that it won’t be used for rent?

None of us want the people we love to be homeless, to be hungry. We don’t want them to suffer, but when we protect them from experiencing the suffering they are in we take away the opportunity for them to make a decision about changing!

Give An Addict Room To Take Responsibility

REMEMBER: Enabling an addict does not help!

Enabling is really about preventing someone for having to take responsibility for themselves, and whether it is done with good or bad intentions it prevents the other person from fully living their own life. Moving out of enabling behaviors and into a relationship where you let someone experience the natural consequences of their choices isn’t easy, and often it can make it seem like things are much worse. But only if someone experiences for themselves the desire to do something different will there ever be a change, and that experience can’t come if we prevent our loved ones from having it!

Are You An Enabler?

Do the above scenarios sound close to home? Please leave us a message in the comments section below and we’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. We can help refer you to support services, treatment, or the help that you need. Or, we’ll just lend an ear.

30th November 2015

Conflict Styles and Consequences

Relationships in Recovery

Here’s the dilemma; chemically problematic men and women don’t do well in ‘relationships’.

An extremely high percentage of people who try to get clean and sober but then repeatedly find themselves relapsing, relapse because of relationship breakdowns and the subsequently overwhelming feelings of hurt, loss, and failure. For too many people, conflict in a relationships spells the end of the relationship.

That’s one of the reasons why many counsellors advise, ‘don’t get involved in romantic relationships in early recovery’.

And whilst that makes sense the fact is, some of the key character failings within many addiction orientated people and a major contributing factor of most relationship failure is the lack of boundaries and the inability to say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no.

So telling them to avoid romantic relationships is like telling the alcoholic not to drink anymore, it’s a good idea and everyone can see the sense in it, but it is inevitably the build up to further disappointment.  Cherrywood House assumes and accepts that many of our struggling families and relapsing addicts, without even realizing it, would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship.

So, reaching out to those guys, I want to ask, ‘did you ever consider that you may not know how to handle conflict in a healthy way’? I want to talk to you about how to identify what you turn into when the going gets tough.

FIVE CONFLICT STYLES:

Avoiders – Have one intention, ‘staying out of conflict’. Avoiders are unassertive people-pleasers and therefore the ‘other side’ to feel as if they are right and/or that they can get anything they want from you.

The Turtles silently say; “I am not interested enough to invest in this conflict”. Long term avoidance increases inner frustrations and fosters a belief that ‘I am weak’ which then develops internal (passive) hostility

Accommodators – With the intentions of preserving relationships at all costs, they will sweep issues under the carpet and do anything not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

They are Teddy Bears that silently say: “We must get along and not let ‘things’ come between us”. Putting the other person’s feelings or wants above their own out of fear of being abandoned, but still develop resentment towards those they bend over backward for, as resentment towards themselves and self-pity.

Long term accommodators produce a false front of cooperation, cheerfulness, and love for other people. Accommodators always increase in self-dislike and frustrations about having to hold every one of their relationships together

Compromisers – always have the intention to award the other side just a little bit of winning in order to manipulate them into a majority loss.

Foxes silently say: “We must all submit our personal desires and serve the common good, as long as I benefit the most”.

Long term compromising create strained relationships with very little commitment to anything and recurring relational conflicts.

Competitors – They are intent on winning in a conflict situation. The shark has the following philosophy, ‘there are only two options, winning and losing, and winning is best’.

Sharks say: “I know what’s best for everyone concerned all the time so don’t get in my way”, effectively taking control, even if it’s for the worst. Their controlling and angry nature is upsetting to many, and they often fail to admit when they are wrong in order to keep winning an argument, no matter the cost.

Long term competing styles produce ingrained hostility and half-hearted implementation of solutions and a decreased goal achievement.

Collaborators – Whether you are right or wrong, you can choose to take 85% of the responsibility for getting all parties fully involved in defining the conflict and in carrying out mutually agreeable steps for resolving the conflict.

Owl’s say “Everyone’s goal is important, let’s work together, let’s create a win-win situation” This conflict style is the most effective and results in stable conflict resolutions, and helps keep relationships stable and healthy.

All in inclusive collaboration produces trust, strong relationships, mutual enthusiasm and workable implementations of solutions.

If you see yourself in these conflict styles, try adopting a Collaborator conflict resolution style to help maintain the stability of your relationships and enforce your own dedication to staying clean and sober. With the support of strong, healthy relationships where conflicts don’t result in breakdowns and destruction, you can continue on your journey of recovery with more confidence.

Just remember never to give up or breakdown in conflict situations. Even the best relationships have conflict, they are just resolved effectively by all parties involved.

Please don’t hesitate to contact Cherrywood House or Cherrywood House on Facebook for questions or discussions within the realm of conflicts and any other addiction or recovery issues.

23rd November 2015

Just How Bad Are Energy Drinks for Recovering People?

For those recovering from alcohol and drug addictions, the urge to find a fix seems to be never-ending. To replace their drug of choice, the recovering addict will find other means to soothe their minds and souls. A replacement “high” that has become common among recovering people is the use of energy drinks. Energy drinks’ combination of caffeine, vitamins, and herbs can provide the kick they need, and, it’s legal and can be found at any corner store. Energy drinks can be a healthier alternative to drugs and alcohol, but what most don’t known is that the very things that make energy drinks so popular can also lead to active addiction.

20th November 2015

Forgiveness-Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. It can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

9th November 2015

Conflict Management in Early Recovery

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT IN EARLY RECOVERY

It appears to be internationally accepted advice for addicts fresh into recovery not to get involved in emotional and romantic relationships for a period of up to two years. The reasoning behind this suggested discipline lies in the hope that as you come into recovery you will start to change as a person, so in two years’ time, if you have joined a programme of change, you will not be the same person that you are today.

It is also fair to say that, until you are at peace with the person you have become because of the addiction, and then made some necessary changes, the person you hope to be may remain a figment of your ambitions. There is also the toxic danger of wanting a relationship in order to get good feelings from an external source (using). Therefore, in simple terms, it could be relationally detrimental to invest yourself in the life of another person, especially if that other person is also in an early recovery programme.

However, whilst all that may sound like good counsel, in reality, not to be in a relationship is simply not an option. Everyone is in ‘relationship’ with everyone else to one degree or another, and where there is ‘relationship’, there is bound to be ‘conflict’.

THREE MAIN STRANDS OF CONFLICT:

1.The Intra-personal conflict – the war that rages within yourself between your Cognition (what you know to be healthy and unhealthy choices); your Spirituality (which is either destroyed or developed by what you choose to feed it); and your Emotional chaos (the culmination of shame, fear, guilt and failure due to the addiction).

2. The Inter-personal conflict – while you are rooted in your Intra-personal conflict, people back away from you because they have learned that going into any form of relationship with you comes with a high price. That’s why you now have all those failed relationships and lost friendships behind you and that haunting feeling that no one really wants you around, they just tolerate you.

3. The Systemic Conflict – also rooted in your Intra-personal conflict. This is why you have always found it really difficult to believe that you actually fit in anywhere. Therefore, if we neglect the life-controlling conditions of Intra and Inter-personal conflict, the only community within which you will feel any sense of belonging is where mind and mood-altering chemicals rule supreme, where healthy is made to look sad and unhealthy is made to look good; this is where miss-fits fit in and where unacceptable behavior is the key to acceptance – The Drug Culture.

“Welcome back to planet earth, we’ve missed you”

The concept of conflict has many and varied definitions. For the purposes localising our approach we use the following definition of conflict: “a difference in opinions or purposes that frustrates someone else’s goals or desires”.

THE MINEFIELD OF RELAPSE

In the journey from active destructive addictions and repeatedly expensive clinical treatments, to the struggles of early recovery and consistent social stability, the road is fraught with Relationship Conflict. It is the one guarantee that most programmes warn you about, and now a growing number of clinicians are actually learning to prepare you for.

At Cherrywood House Recovery Homes, the more you grow relationally, the less expensive the programme becomes financially – that way, you start the process of reconciliation and healing by showing your family how ‘things are improving’. Stop promising and show them.

An integral component of your treatment programme at The Cherrywood House  will be our practical and understandable ‘Relationship Conflict Management for Early Recovery’ seminars. Our aim is to equip our clients with relationship awareness and tools for taking developmental responsibility so that they can return home with the relational ability and willingness to take 80% of the responsibility for creating a new relational normal for everyone around them.

Conflict is the energy which can both tear families apart and/or draw them closer together, depending on how it is handled. It is this dual potential within each of us to which Cherrywood House introduces clients and their loved ones.

Individual relational empowerment is the seedbed of transformation in individuals, in couples, in families and ultimately out into our societies. The addict or the alcoholic, who once sat central to everyone’s concerns and chaos, now becomes the person everyone wanted them to be.

All of a sudden, as each family member commits to the day-to-day applications of relational self-honesty, everyone becomes an autonomous and integral part of the solution.

There are five key Conflict Styles, four of which are deadly:

1. The Teddy Bear – this is the people-pleasing approach of ‘everyone must like me’ so I must deny myself to keep everyone happy – Deadly!

2.The Turtle – this is the ‘we must avoid all conflict at all costs’ mindset. These guys sit passively and wait for every storm to go away, and then every six weeks or so they explode and dredge up resentments that they have accumulated and stored within their passivity – Deadly!

3. The Fox – these are the very subtle abusers who will ‘let you win a little bit so that they can win the most’, and then when they relapse, they somehow seem to have the ability to help you to feel guilty. These guys are only ever honest in order to manipulate you – Deadly!

4.The Shark – this is the relational bully who believes that there are only two options in life – winning and losing and that winning is best. Every dispute is a competition and relational harmony is dependent upon them winning – Deadly!

WITHIN THIS DEADLY QUARTET WE HAVE A TERRIBLE TWO:

1. The Peace Fakers – they deny, get depressed, and run away from people

2. The Peace Breakers – they accuse, get aggressive, and chase people away

Wisdom is needed. The Conflict Style that works best:

5. The Owl – this is the collaborator, The Peacemaker, the one who says: ‘Okay guys, everyone’s interests are important here; let’s listen to each other and work out how to find a ‘win-win’ situation; our family and our relationships are more important than individual personal agenda – Developmental!

At Cherrywood House, our Conflict Management for Early Recovery seminars challenges each individual to examine and embrace how they have been contributing to the heartache of everyone around them by their deadly conflict styles.

It is a worldwide phenomenon that the majority of relapses back into active addiction take place because of Relationship Chaos, and basically, we believe, it all boils down to people not knowing how to disagree with each other from time to time, without one or all of them taking everything as a personal attack and therefore falling out with each other forever.

We think it may be time to stand up and fight ‘with’ what we believe, ‘alongside’ the people we love, instead of fighting ‘for’ what we think would be best, ‘against’ the people we are failing to control.

“Conflict is the energy which can both tear families apart or draw them closer together, depending on how it is handled”

If you or someone else you know is suffering from conflict in relationships, struggling with addiction or succumbing to relapse, we’re here to help. Comment below to share your conflict issues and how you’ve handled them, or contact us, we’re happy to help and listen.

5th November 2015

Exercise Addiction

Are you dependent on exercising (in an unhealthy way)?
Regular Exercise Or Compulsion?

Regular physical activity plays a crucial role in health maintenance and disease prevention. However, excessive exercise has the potential to have adverse effects on both physical and mental health. While the scholastic and empirical discussion of excessive physical activity focuses on obsessive and compulsive exercising…how can we everyday people recognize the symptoms of an addiction? And once we do, what can we do about it?

We’ve Asked The Expert In Exercise Addiction

Today, joining us is Dr. Heather A. Hausenblas, Ph.D. Heather is a physical activity and healthy aging expert, researcher, and author. Her research focuses on the psychological effects of health behaviors across the lifespan. In particular, Dr. Hausenblas examines the effects of physical activity and diet on:

  • adherence
  • body composition
  • body image
  • mood
  • eating behaviors
  • quality of life
  • excessive exercise

She has also applied theoretical models to examine the psychological effects of physical activity during pregnancy and postpartum and its relationship to the health of the entire family.

Today, Dr. Heather shares her knowledge in diagnosing exercise dependence. We’ll learn who’s at risk and how exercise addiction can be treated. Again, please use the section below if you have a question at the end. We will do our best to provide you with a personal and prompt answer.

2nd November 2015

Complacency/Self Sabotage

What is complacency?

Complacency sounds like this, “now that everything is better I can stop doing the things that made my life better in the first place”.
Like a person that suffers from depression, once they start taking anti-depressants they start feeling better. The depression lifts and they start thinking, well I’m not depressed anymore so do I still need to take these pills every day?
What makes no sense is it’s the pills that are helping lift the depression so why would you stop?
The same can be said for early recovery. There are certain key routines and structures in place that assist with recovery, including continued therapy with a counsellor, and engaging in new activities.

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