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13th February 2019

RELATIONSHIPS AND MANAGING EXPECTATIONS IN EARLY RECOVERY.

So often we hear people saying “But why don’t they trust me? I’ve been clean for a few months now, I’ve done 3 months of rehab, surely, they should trust me already.”

Firstly, I think we need to look at what a relationship looks like with an addict before we start expecting anything from anyone. If we take a moment and reverse our roles, we might start to see things a little differently.

In Addiction: The Hostage

It has been said that addicts and alcoholics don’t have relationships, they take hostages.

This might sound extreme but if we look a bit closer, this statement has many areas that ring true.

People in relationships with us are often held or controlled by our behaviour, they feel frightened, they are often manipulated, cheated on and lied too. When they threaten the connection between us by saying things like “if you don’t stop using, I will leave you” we take it a step further. 

Here’s the thing, we don’t even need to say anything, even though addicts often do. Things like “well then I’ll drink myself to death” are often used as emotional blackmail to keep people around. 

But we don’t even have to say anything because the people around us know that addiction is fatal, they know that the way we use or drink will one day kill us and their belief is that if they are not around, that process will be accelerated. The fear is gripping; they love us, they don’t want this life for us. They stay because they think they can help.

All of this sounds like a hostage situation, the problem is, it’s their loved one who is holding the gun.

Broken Promises, Broken trust

“I SWEAR THIS TIME I WILL STOP, I PROMISE YOU!“

The saddest thing about this statement is that at the time we meant it. It was a real promise we made, we feel that promise in ourselves. We promise ourselves often that this will be the last time. 

“Just one last time”. What our loved ones don’t know is just how out of control we really are, they don’t know that addiction hijacks the brain, they don’t know that its main control center is where our survival instincts live. Just like the need for food and water, our brain tells us we need to use/drink in order to survive. 

If you want to test out your survival instincts, find a very dry place with no water and hang around there for a while, then put yourself in a place with lots of shade and water and see if you can control yourself not to drink the water when your life depends on it. It will reach a point where will power alone will not be enough and you will drink the water. 

The same is said for drugs and alcohol. The primitive brain once hijacked will make sure we use or drink regardless of feelings, relationships or promises.

So we do mean the promise, we ourselves don’t want this life. For every promise, we break to someone we have already broken hundreds to ourselves.

Above are two of the many, many different reasons why people have a hard time trusting us. It’s not hard to understand if we take an honest look at ourselves. We have done some major damage, people are left with trauma after being with us while in addiction.

Time is the best healer here, we have to prove ourselves worthy of trust again. Our behaviour and actions are in line with our words and people will start to see the new you that is starting to shine through.

Finally, be gentle with yourself, but also be gentle with others.

Their love for you has hurt them in the past, they need to do the healing in THEIR own time, not yours.

If you fear yourself or a loved one is addicted to substances if you want yourself/them to stop using and sabotaging relationships, feel free to contact us. We’re here to help. Admitting there is a problem is the first step on your road to recovery

26th October 2018

Compliance VS Surrender

There are a few ways we can talk about the battle of compliance versus surrender. The first part relates to clients in treatment.

Some people believe that because they say the right things and do “what’s required” of them in treatment that they are working in the program. We find that these people never actually change their behaviour; nearing the end of their treatment they begin to act the same as or similar to when they first came in. The recovery mask drops and we see the person for who they really are. Compliance is a dangerous dynamic, as most of the time, the person doesn’t really know that they are being compliant. We have often heard people saying “but I don’t understand what the problem is, I’m doing all the right things, getting all my assignments done, participating in group and really dealing with all my issues. So what’s the problem?”

It’s a good question.

The problem is that without surrender you won’t change. So where does the surrender come from and how can we make it happen?

The birth of surrender comes from the acceptance we experience in step one. Surrender to most people implies that they have lost, they are giving up, the fight is over. Addicts are not the easiest people to deal with when it comes to losing or letting go so the concept is foreign. But it is a must; we need to surrender to the fact that within us we don’t have the power or ability to stop using substances. That left to our own devices we will use or abuse substances till it kills us. The second part of that surrender is accepting that we need help from external sources in order to get into recovery.

Counterproductive belief systems in recovery sound like this.

  • I’ve got this.
  • Now I can handle this on my own.
  • I hear what you’re saying but…
  • Yes I know, I know…

There are many signs to people who are compliant; as mentioned before we won’t see any real personal change with their behavior, and when pushed they will revert back to old behavior as a default coping mechanism.

The second part of the battle between compliance VS Surrender is once the client has left treatment.

This type of challenge really does separate the complaint from the surrendered.

Some people say the right things, do all the work and planning for when they leave, and when they do actually leave they take the reins back. They tell the people around them all the new lingo they have learned. They actually start using recovery info as a weapon against their own recovery. They throw around this new info to convince people that they are in recovery, but the moment it is time to act on this new information, they don’t or can’t because it isn’t a subjective reality to them, its objective. Its something outside of themselves. Everything is a farce because the majority of their recovery is not real. The honesty and integrity of the program is only used in front of people and not behind closed doors. This alone is enough to completely undermine everything recovery stands for, relapse will follow shortly after, followed by statements like; “but I don’t understand why this happened. I was doing everything required of me.”

So why does relapse happen? Where does the Compliant falter?

I think part of the problem is people don’t know how to make the real changes, they are not completely willing to make the needed sacrifices or dedicate the needed time to their new way of life. The first year of recovery is very taxing as it takes a monstrous amount of your time to focus on your recovery at that level and I believe that people don’t see recovery for what it actually is.

Recovery isn’t easy, especially in the first few months. Feelings are hard to deal with, we are reminded on a daily basis of the destruction we have caused, no one around us really trusts our change, people are broken because of our past behaviour and it takes time for the relationship to heal. There are a lot of exterior influences that push us to react the way we used to, throwing up a middle finger and destructing.

Another trap that people who are compliant fall into is trying to separate their lives from their recovery. Like doing recovery on the side while still trying to reap the benefits of this new life. Anyone, including myself, that I’ve seen really embrace recovery has made their recovery their life. It’s hard to tell the two apart. People who are compliant often have severely different lives. One side going to meetings and sharing about recovery, then the same night going to a club and pretending to be normal. Like trying to mix oil and water. The addiction culture and recovery culture won’t and don’t mix, one of them will win. Unfortunately, it’s usually the addiction culture that pulls people in because it’s familiar and comfortable.

The majority of people who have long term recovery will tell you that recovery comes, came and will always come first in their lives.

This is the recipe for the surrender I’m talking about.

  • I can’t do this on my own.
  • I need as much help as I can get.
  • I don’t really know much about recovery but I’m willing and open to learning.
  • Recovery is difficult but I’m prepared to embrace the struggle.
  • Please tell me what to do next.
  • I’m accountable for my decisions.
  • I’m responsible for my actions.
  • I can’t, He can. So let him.
5th December 2017

Surviving the Silly Season

As we fast approach the holiday season and Christmas time, many people in recovery start to feel the anxiety. They have a lot of spare time, they have to attend family reunions where alcohol is usually involved, and financial pressure rears its head. These are a few of the stresses that come with this time of year.

So the question is:

HOW DO WE SURVIVE SILLY SEASON?

There are a few key points we can look at.

  • Being accountable / responsible

Having someone to reach out to is very important during this time. Calling a sponsor or a recovery friend before and after can be great protection if you are going to be in a high-risk situation. We have to take responsibility for our recovery and part of that is having an “escape” plan. It is suggested that if possible you have your own vehicle so that you are able to leave on your own terms should the situation warrant that. People might view this as selfish but remember that your recovery comes before anything else.

  • Having realistic expectations of yourself

Don’t fall to the pressure of others and what you might perceive their expectations of you will be. Chances are your family will already know that your recovery comes first and with that, they will also more than likely try to limit your interaction with triggers and possible problematic situations.

It’s important from your side to remember the key factors that make you an addict/alcoholic.

Once you use/drink, you lose control.

Once you lose control, you hurt everyone around you.

When you hurt everyone around you, you disconnect from the vital support system you have in place.

After disconnecting you feel isolated, alone and misunderstood.

The feeling of uselessness and self-pity returns and the cycle starts again.

You have to be gentle on yourself during this time; rather not take the risk and stay clean/sober, than take the risk and land up drunk or high. Your family will understand and appreciate it when you all wake up on Christmas morning and you are present and clean/sober.

  • Engage with your support system

Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, any of the anonymous programs out there are good places to frequent during this time. Staying connected with like-minded people could be the difference between a New Year filled with dread, shame and guilt and a New Year filled with renewed hope, love and possibilities. We as addicts have the ability to think that we are normal people and can engage in festive activities like normal people forgetting that just under the surface we are minutes from our next relapse. The reminders and discussions with other addicts can be used to reinforce our goals and desires for our lives, priority number one always being our recovery.

  • Take time out of your day to reflect on your life and recovery.

Some might suggest meditation and prayer, but taking some time out for you is very important. Processing and reflecting on our lives gives us the guidance we need to maintain recovery. Find a space and a place where you can spend some time and evaluate what you need for yourself and your recovery. This time will pay off for those around you when you partake in your own life.

  • Keep to your systems and structures as much as possible.

Experience says that addicts of any kind are not fond of change. Attempting to stay in your recovery routines as much as possible can make this time easier. Regardless if you are away on holiday or just extra busy. Most recovering addicts have a morning routine that sets their day on the right path, don’t suddenly change that routine and forget to do the thing that works for your life and recovery. Try to maintain step work if you were busy with it before the season. As stated before, continue meetings and speaking to your sponsor. Working a daily program is a key factor to long term sobriety/recovery.

These are but a few points to look at during this time. Please feel free to comment below on what you might need to do during this time, or contact us directly for advice.

24th August 2017

Recovery Actions have Expiry Dates

Expiry Dates during recovery:

Many people come through our treatment centre and believe that the work they put in here is enough and that the work they put in here is going to carry them for the rest of their lives. This is a dangerous myth and one that could lead many to relapse.
Like the title states, Actions in recovery have expiry dates and what we mean by this is that the last counselling session you had, has a “half-life” of about a day. That Just for Today reading you did this morning can set you on the right path for the day but still, it’s not enough to keep you clean and sober for the rest of your life.

If you understand the fundamentals of early recovery you’d understand that to convince yourself that using or drinking is a clever idea and won’t hurt anyone is a simple task. “no-one will know”, “just this one time” and then my personal favourite, “this time will be different” are all slogans addicts in early recovery on the road to relapse use. There is no neighbourhood more dangerous than an addict in early recovery left to his/her own devices for extended periods of time.
Another fundamental principle of early recovery is powerlessness, just because I’ve written out the theory of step one does not necessarily mean I grasp the principle of what that step should offer.
If you find yourself alone with the means to use your drug of choice and you are bargaining ‘should I use or should I not use’ you are in a seriously dangerous situation that in my opinion will end in your power of choice diminishing and eventually lead to relapse. The solution here is to remember the principle we are talking about, powerlessness. Asking for help is imperative in this situation, remembering that reaching out means that you care enough about yourself and your recovery to make the right decisions.

I believe what most people get wrong in these early days sounds like this, they don’t view recovery as a lifestyle, a new culture to take part in. They keep life and recovery separate, eventually allowing the “life” side to take priority, smothering out any hope of recovery surviving, this might take a year or 3 weeks but eventually, people lose sight of what’s truly important.
The actions we put in daily last for that day, maybe more. But one thing I feel sure about is that without recovery becoming a lifestyle, the chances of living in long term recovery get smaller. Time and life become the enemy, we can only deal with what we are willing to face and being able to see these simple but powerful facts could be the deciding factor in your process.

Next Steps

We hope that you found this article helpful. If you are struggling with an Addiction or know someone who is. Please feel free to contact us and we can help you with your next steps.

Cherrywood House is a rehabilitation centre for people suffering from substance and other addictive disorders. It is situated in the tranquil, semi-rural environments of Constantia, Cape Town, South Africa. We offer  Residential Programmes, Aftercare Support Services, Outpatient Programme, Family Support Groups. For more information. Visit our Website Here.

17th March 2016

Enabling

How To Stop Enabling Addiction?

No one who has a loved one with a substance abuse problem wants them to suffer. No one wants a person they care about to be in pain, to descend into the dysfunction of addiction, to lose their livelihood, their family, their life.

How many times have you heard someone say, “I would do anything to help them?”

We protect, we cover, we shelter, we defend and we do so in the name of loving and caring. The problem is that the very things we are doing to help someone, may be things that are enabling the addiction and keeping them from getting well. These may also be things that we are doing because it is more comfortable for us than dealing with the facts of the situation – and it we truly want someone to get well, sometimes we have to get worse first!

So, How Do You Know If You’re An Enabler?

How do you know if you are enabling someone’s substance abuse? We may engage in a lot of behaviors that we think are helpful, or that we are told are necessary but if you start to dig deeper into what that action is all about you find it perpetuating or masking the problem – not solving it!

3 Tips To Identifying Enabling

Here are three tips to help identify enabling behaviors and signs of an enabler. But take hope! You’ll also find alternatives to truly help improve the situation throughout the text!

1.  Interfering

It may seem like pouring out the alcohol, hiding the car keys, or throwing away the pills is the best way to keep your loved one from using. It will certainly force them to get more creative about where they keep their substance of choice and what lies they have to craft to hide their behavior. What is won’t do is cure them of their addiction, or convince them that what they are doing is wrong or harmful.

If their behavior is going to create a dangerous situation for you then you have to make the choice to keep yourself safe, interfering with how they engage in their addiction just provides opportunities for them to get smarter about how they use and you are teaching them how to be a better addict!

2.  Hiding And Lying

Do you cover up for your partner? Do you make excuses for their behavior? Are you doing this for you or for them? Maybe you tell yourself I have to cover for them at work otherwise they will lose their job, then we will lose our house, etc. But deep inside, the true motivation may be fear of change.

In reality, you are helping them hide their behavior for your convenience, and you are helping them carry-on without having to deal with the reality of the situation. Maybe you are going to have to move, maybe you are going to have to ask for help and tell people what is going on, maybe you won’t be able to stay with this person anymore. Those are all uncomfortable situations, and they are all consequences of being involved with an addict. You have to be willing to confront the reality of a situation for everyone involved in order to address whatever that situation is.

3.  Compensating For The Behavior

Money, food, computers, cars – do you give these to someone with a substance abuse problem? How many times do you give someone a computer because they have to have a computer to find a job, and they have to have a job to get sober, but they keep relapsing, selling the computer for drugs and staying in the cycle? How many times do you buy a new car for someone who keeps crashing under the influence? How much money do you give knowing that it won’t be used for rent?

None of us want the people we love to be homeless, to be hungry. We don’t want them to suffer, but when we protect them from experiencing the suffering they are in we take away the opportunity for them to make a decision about changing!

Give An Addict Room To Take Responsibility

REMEMBER: Enabling an addict does not help!

Enabling is really about preventing someone for having to take responsibility for themselves, and whether it is done with good or bad intentions it prevents the other person from fully living their own life. Moving out of enabling behaviors and into a relationship where you let someone experience the natural consequences of their choices isn’t easy, and often it can make it seem like things are much worse. But only if someone experiences for themselves the desire to do something different will there ever be a change, and that experience can’t come if we prevent our loved ones from having it!

Are You An Enabler?

Do the above scenarios sound close to home? Please leave us a message in the comments section below and we’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. We can help refer you to support services, treatment, or the help that you need. Or, we’ll just lend an ear.

30th November 2015

Conflict Styles and Consequences

Relationships in Recovery

Here’s the dilemma; chemically problematic men and women don’t do well in ‘relationships’.

An extremely high percentage of people who try to get clean and sober but then repeatedly find themselves relapsing, relapse because of relationship breakdowns and the subsequently overwhelming feelings of hurt, loss, and failure. For too many people, conflict in a relationships spells the end of the relationship.

That’s one of the reasons why many counsellors advise, ‘don’t get involved in romantic relationships in early recovery’.

And whilst that makes sense the fact is, some of the key character failings within many addiction orientated people and a major contributing factor of most relationship failure is the lack of boundaries and the inability to say yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no.

So telling them to avoid romantic relationships is like telling the alcoholic not to drink anymore, it’s a good idea and everyone can see the sense in it, but it is inevitably the build up to further disappointment.  Cherrywood House assumes and accepts that many of our struggling families and relapsing addicts, without even realizing it, would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship.

So, reaching out to those guys, I want to ask, ‘did you ever consider that you may not know how to handle conflict in a healthy way’? I want to talk to you about how to identify what you turn into when the going gets tough.

FIVE CONFLICT STYLES:

Avoiders – Have one intention, ‘staying out of conflict’. Avoiders are unassertive people-pleasers and therefore the ‘other side’ to feel as if they are right and/or that they can get anything they want from you.

The Turtles silently say; “I am not interested enough to invest in this conflict”. Long term avoidance increases inner frustrations and fosters a belief that ‘I am weak’ which then develops internal (passive) hostility

Accommodators – With the intentions of preserving relationships at all costs, they will sweep issues under the carpet and do anything not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

They are Teddy Bears that silently say: “We must get along and not let ‘things’ come between us”. Putting the other person’s feelings or wants above their own out of fear of being abandoned, but still develop resentment towards those they bend over backward for, as resentment towards themselves and self-pity.

Long term accommodators produce a false front of cooperation, cheerfulness, and love for other people. Accommodators always increase in self-dislike and frustrations about having to hold every one of their relationships together

Compromisers – always have the intention to award the other side just a little bit of winning in order to manipulate them into a majority loss.

Foxes silently say: “We must all submit our personal desires and serve the common good, as long as I benefit the most”.

Long term compromising create strained relationships with very little commitment to anything and recurring relational conflicts.

Competitors – They are intent on winning in a conflict situation. The shark has the following philosophy, ‘there are only two options, winning and losing, and winning is best’.

Sharks say: “I know what’s best for everyone concerned all the time so don’t get in my way”, effectively taking control, even if it’s for the worst. Their controlling and angry nature is upsetting to many, and they often fail to admit when they are wrong in order to keep winning an argument, no matter the cost.

Long term competing styles produce ingrained hostility and half-hearted implementation of solutions and a decreased goal achievement.

Collaborators – Whether you are right or wrong, you can choose to take 85% of the responsibility for getting all parties fully involved in defining the conflict and in carrying out mutually agreeable steps for resolving the conflict.

Owl’s say “Everyone’s goal is important, let’s work together, let’s create a win-win situation” This conflict style is the most effective and results in stable conflict resolutions, and helps keep relationships stable and healthy.

All in inclusive collaboration produces trust, strong relationships, mutual enthusiasm and workable implementations of solutions.

If you see yourself in these conflict styles, try adopting a Collaborator conflict resolution style to help maintain the stability of your relationships and enforce your own dedication to staying clean and sober. With the support of strong, healthy relationships where conflicts don’t result in breakdowns and destruction, you can continue on your journey of recovery with more confidence.

Just remember never to give up or breakdown in conflict situations. Even the best relationships have conflict, they are just resolved effectively by all parties involved.

Please don’t hesitate to contact Cherrywood House or Cherrywood House on Facebook for questions or discussions within the realm of conflicts and any other addiction or recovery issues.

23rd November 2015

Just How Bad Are Energy Drinks for Recovering People?

For those recovering from alcohol and drug addictions, the urge to find a fix seems to be never-ending. To replace their drug of choice, the recovering addict will find other means to soothe their minds and souls. A replacement “high” that has become common among recovering people is the use of energy drinks. Energy drinks’ combination of caffeine, vitamins, and herbs can provide the kick they need, and, it’s legal and can be found at any corner store. Energy drinks can be a healthier alternative to drugs and alcohol, but what most don’t known is that the very things that make energy drinks so popular can also lead to active addiction.

21st September 2015

How to overcome an addiction

The truth about addictions is that they come in many forms, shapes and sizes. For some, it is alcohol, drugs, sex, work, or relationships. For others, it is a combination of them all. Our addictions in life are similar in that they all take us to a point of excess. In many ways, this excess can derail us and keep us from focusing on the best our life has to offer.

So, how can you turn the ship around? How can you bring change – real change – to your life? We explore here. Then, we invite your questions or comments about overcoming addiction at the end.

13th August 2015

Synthetic Drugs

The term synthetic drug refers to non-organic, chemically manufactured and unpredictably unsafe drugs such as Meth-amphetamine, MDMA, GHB, Kat and Ketamine. These drugs are manufactured by back street-chemists and are highly toxic and very often fatal.

Strength’s vary and the death toll is rising. There is a trend at the moment affecting the global population, where teenagers as young as 12 years old are trying these synthetic drugs and are having heart attacks and other major respiratory failures.
These drugs are seen as “club drugs” but kids who are not old enough to go to clubs still have access to these drugs and are abusing them at alarming rates.

Synthetic Cannabinoids and Cathinones

Synthetic Cannabinoids, commonly known as synthetic marijuana, K2 or Spice, are sold in legal retail outlets as “herbal incense” or “potpourri”, and synthetic Cathinones are often sold as “bath salts” or “jewellery cleaner”. They are labelled not for human consumption to mask their intended purpose and so that Governments around the world are not able to make it illegal.

Risk to the Public Health

  • The contents and effects of synthetic cannabinoids and cathinones are unpredictable due to a constantly changing variety of chemicals used in manufacturing processes devoid of quality controls and government regulatory oversight.
  • Health warnings have been issued by numerous public health authorities and poison control centres describing the adverse health effects associated with the use of synthetic drugs.
  • The effects of synthetic cannabinoids include severe agitation and anxiety, nausea, vomiting, tachycardia (fast, racing heartbeat), elevated blood pressure, tremors and seizures, hallucinations, dilated pupils, and suicidal and other harmful thoughts and/or actions.
  • Similar to the adverse effects of cocaine, LSD, and methamphetamine, synthetic cathinone use is associated with increased heart rate and blood pressure, chest pain, extreme paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, and violent behaviour, which causes users to harm themselves or others.

-source /www.whitehouse.gov

Lately we have seen very troubling viral videos and pictures going around on social media channels of people using these synthetic drugs and having seizures and fits. There have been posts on Facebook of people dying because of these drugs. Mothers and fathers begging and pleading for other parents to look out for the signs of drug abuse because the reality is, people are dying from addiction every day.

28th July 2015

Relationships in Early Recovery

Relationships in addiction become toxic and unproductive. Trust is gone, lying, stealing and cheating feature in the dynamics of the relationship and it leaves both or all parties angry and confused. From the loved ones perspective, the person using is slowly killing him/herself and regardless of what you’ve done and said, nothing makes a difference. Against all your advice and love, they don’t seem to want to listen. They repeat the same mistakes over and over again, they lie and hide and keep secrets from you. They dish out false hope and false promises that “this time will be different”. What more can you do?

From the using addict side, it looks a bit different.
Yes the damage is there, you can see the destruction. You will stop this time, you promise and swear on everything you love and cherish that it won’t happen again. The strangest thing about that is, you really mean it!
Fleeting moments of clarity show you just how much damage you have caused, all the hurt, all the dishonesty and all the shame comes to the surface. Determination is running at full tilt, statements like I can do this, I’m stronger and smarter than this problem run through your mind. The truth is your determination is killing you. If you’ve ever been around treatment and a fellowship meeting, you would have heard the word surrender. Cliché’s like surrender to win come up often and it’s very important that you understand the surrender in Step One. Admitting you are powerless over your drug or drugs of choice is a vital factor to actually starting the process of change.

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